theshalom: You can have your fancy iPhones. I’ll...

You can have your fancy iPhones. I’ll stick with my Motorola POS800. Sure, you have fancy “apps” and a “legible screen” and a “functioning phone” but can you match this feature set?

Retractable antenna. By that, I mean the antenna broke off, resulting in a slimmer, more aerodynamic design.

Free dance party light show. Lately, when I plug the phone into its charger, instead of charging the battery it goes into an endless loop of shutting off, turning on, playing random noises and then shutting off and on again. Who needs a disco ball when you have a possessed phone?!

Personal protection. Remember how I mentioned that the antenna broke? Well, it’s been replaced by a piece of jagged plastic that can be used as a makeshift shiv in emergency situations. How many smartphone owners can stab a man with their phone? I’ll tell you. None.

Queued text messaging. Want to send a text message that won’t transmit for several hours, even days? This phone’s got you covered. You’ll be getting replies like this in no time: Dude. My birthday was two weeks ago. Thanks, though.

Talking pants. When it’s in your pocket, the phone will occasionally activate its hands-free mode for no reason. Not only do you get a free pair of talking pants, but you also get an unlimited amout of frightened looks from strangers when a robotic woman’s voice, originating roughly from your crotch starts declaring, “SAY A COMMAND. SAY A COMMAND.”

Transformer mode. Not only did the antenna pop off, but the entire phone seems to be coming apart in every way possible. Some would assume the phone is flimsy pile of crap and about to break in half. But, I’m holding out hope that it’s simply in the process of “transformering” into something more useful, like a sports car or a helicopter. Or another phone that works.

So, yeah. Eat it iPhone owners. I bet you’re jealous. I know I would be.